The Notebook (2004)

Directed by Nick Cassavetes
Starring Ryan Gosling, Rachel McAdams, James Gardner and Gena Rowlands

by Joshua Simpkins

Ok, so I have been getting a lot of requests for me to write a review on “The Notebook”. The only problem is I’ve already seen “The Notebook” multiple times. For me to write a real review on “The Notebook” it would break every rule I’ve ever made in reviewing these movies aka “chick flicks”. Does “The Notebook” deserve enough for me to break my own rules? Let me go over them again;

1. I must have never seen the chick flick before.
2. I must watch the chick flick alone. (That means no girlfriends, friendgirls, girlfriends of friends, friendgirls of girlfriends, girlfriends of girlfriends, friendgirls of friends, Moms, Aunts, sisters, cousins, or any of their girlfriends, lesbians, Grandmas, or hot girl neighbors who seem to mysterious live near you but you can figure out where they live or if they have a boyfriend or even better, a girlfriend.)
3. I must drink a beer while watching the chick flick.

Those are my rules. And, they are finite. But, rules are made to be broken. Especially, my rules. I am, after all, the Ultimate Bad Boy Rebel (in Polo shorts).

The first time I caught “The Notebook” I was visiting my parents and my Mom had just made me a plate of nachos. They consisted of crispy tortilla chips, sour cream, ground beef, salsa, lettuce, tomatos, and three types of Mexican cheeses. Why does it have to be Mexican you ask? Because Mexican taste better. Especially, on nachos that my Mom makes.

I’ll admit I wasn’t really watching the movie. I was concentrating more on getting the nachos in my mouth as opposed to all over my bare chest. It was summer and it was hot outside. I had just helped out by cutting the lawn. No, that’s a lie. I helped out by yelling to my Mom that she should take a break from cutting the lawn and make me some nachos because it was so hot outside. Now, as I said, I was eating the nachos and watching “The Notebook”. It’s not TV, It’s HBO.

The movie was somewhere about halfway through. James Gardner was running around telling some story about Ryan Gosling (who had really, really, white teeth) to some old lady who had no idea who he was or who she was or anything else for that matter. All she knew was, “I like this story.” What a stupid old lady. Oh really, old lady, you “like” this story. Why don’t you just shut up and eat some more yellow pudding because you’re stupid and you’re old. This is America!

Then the part happened. You know which part I’m talking about. The part where she stands up and says, “Noah, it’s us. The story is us”. And, he says, “Yes….”. And, that stupid old lady makes want to cry when all you wanted to do was eat some nachos and have your Mom go back to cutting the grass (even though your Dad who wasn't home told you to do it for her) so you could have control of the TV while you enjoy your nachos. OK. But, no. That would be too easy. Instead you have to fight back tears.

The next day it came back on and I watched it from the beginning and loved it. It’s a great, timeless love story. And, for all you guys out there that are hatin’ and refuse to watch it. Guess what? It’s really a story about a guy because Noah is the main character. Even though you try to act tough you’ll relate to him. And, if you don’t then I hate to be the one to tell you….You’re a chodemonkey…so go pop your collar and get the hell out of here.

Final Analysis: “The Notebook” is a great movie. And, I decided if I ever get married then I want what they have in “The Notebook”. We die together. If I can’t have that then I’d rather stay single for the rest of my life, grow old, and tell stories to myself that don’t make any sense to me, then remember the stories, and then go die alone in a bed hugging myself. Cheesy I know but I like cheese (read what I wrote about nachos).

FORCE THE BOYFRIEND: 10 out of 10 (1 means he'll hate it, 10 means he'll like it)- If he doesn’t like it then break up with him.

Chick Flick: 5 cartons of ice cream (out of 5)*
HBO: 5 pieces of milky chocolate (out of 5)
Nachos: 5 manly high fives (out of 5)

*It's a 5. I'm not here to argue technicalities such as cliche plot devices, cliche storylines, cliche characters, cliche white houses, and cliche white Ryan Gosling teeth. Because you're cliche. I just know how it made me feel. And, I never felt so alive.

If you want to find a beer to pair it with check out the The Draft House.

Confessions of a Shopaholic (2009)

Starring Isla Fisher, Hugh Dancy, Joan Cusack, John Goodman
Directed by P.J. Hogan

NAME: Rebecca Bloomwood
OCCUPATION: Journalist
CREDIT CARDS: 12

You know that feeling that you girls get when you see a hot guy. You know how your heart beats faster, you get weak in the knees, and time stands still. Well, that’s how Rebecca feels about shopping. She loves to shop. It makes things better and when she shops for a brief moment the world is a better place….and then its not…so she shops again. The only problem is she’s not wealthy and she has to charge everything to her multiple almost entirely maxed out collection of credit cards. Girl, you got a problem. $16,000 worth. Looks we have ourselves a shopaholic.

Seriously, stop judging her. She knows she has a problem. She knows she’s in debt. It’s not her fault. She wants to stop. She can’t. Mannequins are freaking talking to her in the store. They are telling her to buy these things. She is afraid. Sh!t, I know I would be. I would do what they say, too. Either that or run screaming from the store. And, its not like what they want her to do is that bad. All she has to do is buy some Prada shoes, or a Guccini handback or something and they stop talking to her. Sounds like a deal to me.

One day, after realizing how much she really is in debt, she meanders into a store and is told by one of these Mannequins to buy a green scarf. This mannequin tells her that the scarf isn’t a need, it’s a necessity. She must have it to stay warm in the wintertime. It’s OK to buy right, as long as it’s a basic need. And, she needs it to look fabulous for her job interview at her dream magazine, She grabs the scarf and heads to the counter only to discover that $50 cash, and $20 dollars on one card, and $30 on another, and more on another declined card, isn’t actually enough. Can you hold it please? No, we don’t hold sale items. So, what does Rebecca do? She panics and runs out of the towards a hotdog vendor who refuses to cash a check for all his hotdogs over $23 dollars. Enter Hugh Dancy. Where have I seen him before? Oh yeah, “The Jane Austen Book Club”. That’s right. He’s dreamy. Anyways, in the movie he’s just a guy who wants a hot dog. So much in fact, that to get her out of his way, he gives her $20 bucks and waves goodbye with a catchy one liner. Now, that’s pimp (pronounced P, I, M, Pimp).

The stage is set…for romance, comedy, drama, hijinks, fashion, and everything else. Will Rebecca get her dream job? Will she get the man of her dreams? Will she ever break her shopping addiction? Well, you’ll just have to watch to find out. But, I will say there is plenty of mishaps, shopping, and poppy techno music to go around (with robot voice lyrics like “now you’re a girl... a girl, girl, girl... you go shop girl...you girl girl girl...now you go shop some more... and then you go girl").

You’ll remember Isla Fisher as he semi-crazy girlfriend turned wife to Vince Vaughn in “Wedding Crashers” (2005). She is pretty good in this too. There are also some decent actors in some of the secondary roles. Joan Cusack and John Goodman seem to be having a lot of fun playing the frugal parents of our shopaholic. Kristin Scott Thomas, etc. etc.

I didn’t actually drink a beer with this one because I watched it while I was sick sitting at home. I did have some Progresso Traditional 99% Fat Free Chicken Noodle soup. It had their “most tender chicken ever” and was full of vitamins and minerals. And, at only 100 calories a serving you can literally go nuts on it. I ate it cold, right out of the can, and it was still dee-lish.

FORCE THE BOYFRIEND: 2 out of 10 (1 means he'll hate it, 10 means he'll like it)

Watch it if you liked "Sex and the City: The Movie" (2008) or you like shopping.

Chick Flick: 3 cartons of ice cream (out of 5)

DVD: 1 pieces of milky chocolate (out of 5)

Soup: 5 manly high fives (out of 5)

The Jane Austen Book Club (2007)

Directed by Robin Swicord  
Starring Maria Bello, Emily Blunt, Kathy Baker, Amy Brenneman, Maggie Grace, Jimmy Smits, and Hugh Dancy

by Joshua Simpkins

This movie was not recommended to me. I chose it because the title alone sounded horrible and very “chick” to me. It seemed like the farthest thing from anything I would want to watch. What could be interesting about a bunch of women sitting around talking about Jane Austen? It was directed by a chick, written by a chick, starred a bunch of chicks. In other words, it made for women by women.

To accompany the flick I went with the obvious choice, Budweiser, the King of beers. There was no alternative. What is more American than Jane Austen and Budweiser? After all, Jane Austen is one of America’s best known “chick” authors and “Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman”. Then I found out she was British and wasn’t even a doctor. So what? Budweiser isn’t American anymore. They were one of the last great American companies then they sold out to the Swedes or some other country. So we have an ex-pat beer and a British chick author, Jane Austen and Budweiser. The two still go hand and hand.

The movie is about a group of women (and one dude) who escape the difficulties of everyday life by creating a book club and reading Jane Austen. The rules are simple. There are six books and six members. Each one gets a specific book and hosts a meeting with food and discussion themed after their specific book. The drama in their lives reflects the drama in Jane Austen’s stories and vice versa and versa visa. Oui Oui.

Each women in the group is different from the next. There is the newly divorced Mother, her young lesbian daughter, the spinster, the socialite with multiple ex-husbands (what do they call those again?), the overly tense, uptight young high school French teacher, and the guy is a semi-dorky science fiction fan. There is plenty of drama to go around. The divorcee sees her husband running around with his new piece of ace, the French teacher is fantasizing over her beefy student, the lesbian loves too easily, the spinster is trying to set the divorcee up with the sci-fi geek but likes him herself. The only chill one is the older woman that has been married multiple times. But, don’t let that fool you. This had plenty of gossip to fill my drama king lifestyle.

Now, the question is, “Did I like the movie?” The answer is, “Yes, I did”. As the movie progressed I went from completely uninterested to finding it pretty enjoyable. I cared about the characters and what happened to them and I liked the story. It was a neat premise and while technically it did have its fault (dialogue, stereotypes, cheesy music, clichés, etc) I won’t really go Into to all that here. Focusing on the story I enjoyed it. Plus there was a little bit of lipstick lesbian action. For you girls out there, If you haven’t seen it then watch it.

FORCE THE BOYFRIEND: 3 out of 10 (1 means he'll hate it, 10 means he'll like it)

Beer Pairing Recommendation

Watch it if you liked "The Wedding Date" (2005) or "Love Actually" (2003)

The Sweetest Thing (2002)

Starring Cameron Diaz, Christina Applegate, Selma Blair, and Thomas Jane
Directed by Roger Kumble

Recommended by: Ashley

Ok, so I was always paranoid that I would come up with some great idea, tell the wrong person, and then have somebody steal it and make millions of dollars off of it. I did not, however, expect that someone would completely steal my life story and make a movie out of it without anyone even telling me. “The Sweetest Thing” is totally about me. In fact, 99% of its true and actually happened to me. The only difference is that in the film they changed the gender to female and then cast Cameron Diaz to play me. Here are some examples;

1. I totally grabbed some guys @ss at a club in San Francisco trying
to hook my friend up who had recently broke up with his boyfriend.

2. I totally stared into what is described, in the film, as a “glory hole” and had a penis stuck into my eye after which I proceeded to pour contact solution all over my face while b!tching about it to a friend who witnessed the whole thing go down.

3. I’ve totally been caught on a “piercing”. Although, not in the same way as portrayed in the movie. Well, I haven’t been caught but I have interacted with one.

4. I totally lived in San Fransciso, California. (Ok, I haven’t lived there but I’ve seen it on the map and I hear it’s a great place to visit. I’m totally planning a vacationthere as soon as I accumulate enough hours to take off of work.)

5. I totally perform dance movie montages in dressing rooms all the time.

I am hurt and outraged that Hollywood thinks it is “Ok” to steal someone’s identity, flip gender, and then cast Cameron Diaz to play them. They even changed the name from Joshua to Christine. That is totally not cool.

“The Sweetest Thing” is about three twenty-something females who live together in San Francisco. Christine is the player of the group. What we would call a “maneater” (listen to the song by “Hall and Oates”). She meets men and then chews them up. Or kisses them and runs away. There is also her best friend played to perfection by Christina Applegate. She is a successful lawyer and she is wild and rambunctious. I love her. No seriously. I…love…her. She completes me. I might drive to San Francisco right now and find her and have a litter of kittens. Only she’s not real. I just gotta keep telling myself that. She is not real. She’s only a character. Anywho, the third friend is Selma Blair. She falls in love easily and just broke up with her boyfriend. The movie starts with Cameron e and Applegate taking Selma to a club to get her a transitional man to ease her pain. Cameron grabs Peter’s ass, played by Thomas Jane, to try to get his attention so she can hook up Selma with….

SIDE STORY: I once saw Thomas Jane while waiting in line to get into a bar in Hollywood. He was slowly walking down the full length of the line very, very, very slowly while holding the hands of a little girl. I probably wouldn’t have noticed him except that he was looking deeply into the eyes of everyone he passed. He would stare at someone for a moment, pause, and then go on to the next person and start the cycle over again. No one recognized him until he got to me and then looked into my eyes. I very calmly nodded my head and said, “What’s up, man.” He gave me a scowl as if to say, “How dare you say what’s up to me in front of this little girl.” And then he moved on, passing the transgender musician near the front of the line. He crossed the street and disappeared. The guy in front of me said, “Was that f@cking Thomas Jane?”, to which his buddy replied, “Who?”. True Story.

Back to “The Sweetest Thing”.....

…and that is what really got me thinking in the movie. I mean could this really happen? How do they know how to make up geese sculptures out of foil. These are the sort of things I think about on a daily basis.

This isn’t really the type of film to really, truly, write up a review for because it doesn’t take itself that seriously. It also has some great scenes with the always good Jason Bateman. I didn’t hate and I probably could sit through it again. My beer of choice was a no-name brand called “Simpler Times Lager” that was an average lager. The DVD has some interesting “making of” featurettes.

Chick Flick: 3 cartons of ice cream (out of 5)
DVD: 3 pieces of milky chocolate (out of 5)
Beer: 3 manly high fives (out of 5)

The Wedding Date (2005)

Starring Debra Messing and Dermot Mulroney
Directed by Clare Kilner

GUEST BLOGGER: BRIAN P.

First I must say that I’m not the “chick flick” fan at all. I don’t ever remember faking to like these movies in an attempt to make myself seem sensitive or romantic. All I know about chick flicks is the effect they have on my wife;

• Usually, she has the courtesy to watch them in the bedroom so the main television is not taken up.
• These movies seem to make her crave lots of chocolate.
• Of course, she always cries at the endings.
• Then we have a 45 minute argument about how I’m not romantic….
• To which I get suckered into rubbing her feet or massaging her shoulders in an attempt to make myself seem somewhat useful.

So I sat down to watch this movie and to be honest I dreaded it. I opened up a Miller Light and pressed play. My wife was at work and my son went to go see a movie with grandma, so the conditions were perfect for this review. This is the first time I have ever watched a chick flick from start to finish all by myself.

The plot of the movie stems around a lonely Kat Ellis (Debra Messing) who has just received a wedding invitation from her sister in London. Kat has apparently learned that her ex-boyfriend, whom she still loves, is going to be the best man at this wedding. Kat decides to hire a male escort, to well, escort her to the wedding so she will appear to have moved on with her life, make the ex-boyfriend jealous, and then force him into happily ever after-ness.

The monkey wrench in this whole scheme is the dashing Dermot Mulroney (Nick) who is the hired escort. He seems to know what to say, how to dance. He is your typical man’s man and all they crud that a normal dude isn’t. I must also mention in here that this Film was directed by Clare Kilner, a woman… who apparently has mastered the art of the rump shot. There are a good three to four minutes of bare man ass in this film so be prepared.

So anyway, as you may have predicted, (unless you are ______*) and I’m not even going to throw in a spoiler alert here because, seriously, if you haven’t figured out that Kat and Nick end up falling in love at the end, then you probably don’t have the attention span to read this review, or even watch the full movie. Let alone pick up on my overuse of the comma in that last sentence.

I do have to give props for the speed that this movie carries the plot. It literally jumps right into it. It is also a good first chick flick for the beginner like me. It hardly borders on romance or comedy. In fact, I don’t think I laughed once.

There are also two hot scenes worth mentioning. The first is a scene in which Nick is proving to Kat that he is a professional escort and knows how to tune into what people want him to be. He forces Kat up against a cab and makes her close her eyes. Then he tells Kat what she wants to hear about letting go, and moving on, while at the same time nearly kissing her. There is just something hot about a woman tossed up against a car.

The other hot scene is when Kat is drunk after the bachelorette party and goes to the ATM to withdraw some money. When she is getting out of the limo you can barley catch a glimpse of Debra Messing’s panties as she stumbles out of the limo. Just those subtle panty moments made it worth it. If you are paying attention I did say moments, which implies more than one panty moment, but you’ll have to rent it yourself to find the other.

All in all this was a good _____ _____* of a chick flick. The fast plot, harshly undeveloped characters, and double panty shots, makes this a good chick flick that a guy could actually get through without falling asleep.

Chick Flick- 4 bon-bon’s (out of 5)
Dvd- 2 panty scenes (out of 5)
Beer- 5 burps (out of 5)

Editor's Note:
*represents omissions or changes made by the editor in an attempt to not offend readers. Please enter your own appropriate descriptors.

Sleepless In Seattle (1993)

Far and Away (1992)

Update - 7/9/2012 - This is not an actual review for Far and Away.  This is a history of how the site started - conversationally, of course.

One rainy night I was sitting home alone in my furniture-less apartment watching the semi-classic Tom Cruise/ Nicole Kidman film “Far and Away”, directed by Ron Howard, when a friend called and asked what I was doing.

 ME:  Watching a movie and drinking a beer.
 FRIEND:  What movie are you watching?
 ME:  Far and Away.
 FRIEND:  Is that the one with Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman that’s
directed by Ron Howard?
 ME:  Yeah.
 FRIEND:  Is there a chick with you?
 ME::No, why?
 FRIEND:  So, you’re telling me, you are sitting at home watching a chick flick
all by yourself and drinking a beer. That’s ridiculous.
 ME:  It’s not ridiculous and it’s not a chick flick. It’s an historical Irish epic
about the Oklahoma land rush starring Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman
that’s directed by Ron Howard.
FRIEND:  It’s a chick flick.
ME:  It’s a swashbuckling romance.
FRIEND:  Does drinking a beer make you feel manlier while watching chick
flicks?
ME:  No, I like beer. It’s refreshing.

And, then it struck me. While “Far and Away” isn’t the ultimate chick flick it does have many elements that would classify is it as such. It is a timeless love story about two people from different classes who overcome the odds to fulfill their dreams of love and happiness. Did my subconscious recognize this? Why was I drinking a beer? Did it make me feel manlier? Why was I wearing a pink rob and socks? Where the hell did I get a pink robe? Wait, this robe’s not pink, it’s forest green. Thank God! Why am I questioning my masculinity? Who cares! I like chick flicks and I like beer. The two actually go together quite harmoniously.

And, then it struck me, again. Why not create a blog in which I review and muse over chick flicks while drinking a beer. You can do it yourself…the rules are simple…the movie must be a chick flick…and you’re allowed no more than two beers. How does one determine what is or isn’t a chick flick? That’s easy. If you even have the slightest thought or question about a movie being a chick flick then I probably is.

If you need more help determining what is or isn’t a chick flick, dictionary.com defines chick flick as follows;

Main Entry:chick flick
Part of Speech:n
Definition:
a movie intended for and marketed to females, with themes, characters, or events more likely to appeal to women than men; also called chick’s
flick
Usage:
slang

You can also start with “Far and Away” starring Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. It’s directed Ron Howard. Real Men Wear Pink!