Starring Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Kristin Davis, and Cynthia Nixon
Directed by Michael Patrick King
Due to my inability to watch the entire film in a single viewing (only making it 20 minutes on my first attempt) I have decided to write my review for “Sex And The City: The Movie” (2009) broken up into an -As Many Viewings As It Takes to Make it Through The Entire Movie- Part Series. Let’s begin.
I’ve got to admit I’ve never really liked “Sex And The City” when it was on television. In fact, I couldn’t stand it. When I first saw the title on HBO I thought it was some sort of “Skin-o-max” type show. I remember trying to watch an episode a few years back and couldn’t focus for more than 10 minutes. It gave me immediate ADHD. I had the attention span of a chicken with the tiny head of baby squirrel on methamphetamines . Those 10 minutes were all I had ever seen other than a random scene here (specifically one with the slutty one) and there (another one with the slutty one) and there again (I watched that last one I referred to with the slutty one quite a few times). I would hear girls talking about some “Mr. Big” and “how amaaazing the show was” but I never could get into it. Borrinnng. And, why should I? I’m a guy and I don’t wait for the ships to come in. Okay, maybe sometimes I wait for the ships to come in. Well, you know…wink, wink. ;)
When this film was recommended to me it was suggested that I should watch it while drinking a Cosmo (that’s short for Cosmo). Unfortunately, I don’t know how to make a Cosmo and I don’t like olives or cranberry juice or pickle juice or cherries. So, instead, just to make it special, I went with a red wine. It was a blend; 42% Cabernet, 18% Something, 40% Something else, 100% Dee-lish. I know I’m breaking my own rules but they’re my rules and I’m allowed to break them. Hell, rules are made to be broken especially the ones I make. Moving on…
So I have no idea about anything. I don’t know any of the chick’s names. I just know there’s the blonde one, the slutty one, the brunette one, and the redhead. They are like a freaking boy band. I even think Lance Bass is somewhere in there with Scary Spice. So, the movie starts and BOOM!! Sarah Jessica is doing here thing…being her and being fabulous…she is still dating some guy named “Mr. Big” while the redhead went off and married some guy and moved to Brooklyn or the Bronx which is called the “New Manhattan” and the slutty one got herself some nice boymeat and moved to Hollywood and is rockin’ it Cougar style while the brunette finally got married after a long, long search and is happy and there might be some kids somewhere and 40 is the new 20 and 20 is the new 15 and 15 is the new 37 (Have you seen what teenagers are wearing these days? It’s disgusting!). Honestly, the intro was pretty amazing. I had no idea what was going on. Ok, so we are all caught up, right?
Now, Sarah Jessica is looking for a new place with Mr. Big and…let’s stop on Mr. Big…Why is he called Mr. Big….is it because of the size of his….wallet? Haha, got you there. . I’ve never been “Mr. Big”, maybe “Mr. Average” or “Mr. It’s Not Really the Size That Matters But How You Use It”, but never “Mr. Big”. I’m only 5’ 8 3/4” tall. Apparently, he is Mr. Big because he is the man and he is Sarah Jessica’s…Mr. Big…because she has always been looking for Mr. Big…and life is grand. Anywho, they are looking at apartments in NYC and Mr. Big is so much the sh!t that he just randomly decides to buy some badass penthouse. We learn of his badassessnessness when he casually says, “I got it”. Just like I say, “I got it” when I buy someone a hotdog or a can of soda. Now, let’s change the scene where I will be playing the part of Mr. Big. If I was looking for apartments with Sarah Jessica in the Big Apple the scene would have played out differently. If she was going off about how amazing the penthouse was and looking at me like its pipe dreams I wouldn’t have said, “I’ve got it”. I would have said, "I farted." And, she would have said, “What? Did you say you got it?” And, I would say, “No, I said …I farted. Now, let’s get the f@ck outta here, Because this sh!t is way too expensive.” Like I said, I’ve never been called Mr. Big….and with good reason.
Now, ladies, I’ve got to ask you this? What is up with Sarah Jessica’s wedding dress? I don’t know anything about dresses…and I mean anything. But, that thing is hideous. Please don’t tell me she ends up wearing that. And, why does the redhead keep haten’ on Sarah Jessica? The slutty one was haten’ too but at least she called right back and was like, “Girl, my bad”. And, the brunette was screaming (high pitch) way, way, way too much. I couldn’t take it anymore right about twenty minutes in when Murphy Brown showed up and wanted Sarah Jessica to be in a Fabulous 40 profile in her magazine. I had to turn it off.
Stay tuned for the next 20 minutes.
Chick Flick: 2 cartons of ice cream (out of 5)*
DVD: 1 pieces of milky chocolate (out of 5)
Wine: 3 manly high fives (out of 5)
*Strictly for the amaaazing Intro.